ALONE & CONFUSED
How the Narcissist Can Leave Victims Feeling Alone & Confused Even After the Breakup
After I decided that enough was enough, I made plans to get him out of my house. I fought myself day in and day out because I wanted my marriage to work. Not only for our kids, but because deep down, I truly felt a genuine connection (somewhere in the ruble.) My love for him surpassed my pride (Sade lol.) But, my sanity and decision making was at risk due to due to the constant confusion and subtle abuse I was subject to.
I had to make a reluctant decision to escape. (While still hoping that things would get better.) I planned and patiently waited for the right opportunity to execute. My chance came when we had another disagreement that would took such a toll on my soul that I went in for the kill!!
I will break this scenario down in the two parts that I am aware of:
1. Breaking up with the narcissist:
I actually made the choice to leave him. (THAT WAS A BAD IDEA, IN RETROSPECT.) The reason being is because narcissists HAVE to be in control of the breakup. If you leave a narcissist, you will SUFFER!!!!
Why: Because they already have control issues and they see their victims as property that they discard when they're done. If you jump ship first, they aren't prepared.
First, they don't have a sufficient backup in place so they're desperate and will do anything to find someone to replace you with. Second, they have no place to go, if you share a home with them. Third, they have SEVERE abandonment issues, so walking away will cause more harm than good in the initial breakup phase. I learned this the hard way and I suffered dramatically.
In the breakup phase, I took everything away from him (aside from his kids) so that he would no longer receive any kind of help from me. AND HE DID THE SAME. I was shocked though, because If there was any love and loyalty present, I thought that he would at least come through for HIS KIDS; even in this dilemma. NOT A CHANCE! He left us ALL high and dry and then attempted to come back to continue the damage when I actually didn't deserve it. ( I will spare the details...as the full story will be in the full feature film.) Then he rubbed his new victim in my face!!! Showing her off in public and pretending that he had moved on.
We weren't even divorced yet and he found a replacement victim out of desperation. I was a complete and utter MESS! That was the straw that bork the camels' back. My understanding, empathy and consideration went out the WINDOW!!! In other words, I gave NO fucks!! We were officially at WAR!
If anything, he was the one who should have been pleading with me and trying to reconcile. But by that time, our relationship was so badly damaged that NOW, I can (almost) understand his behavior (because empaths can see every angle.) Though I don't feel like I deserved such treatment, he also felt that he didn't deserve such treatment. Because of the "genuine" sacrifice that he mad in that particular phase, it was actually bad timing for me to execute my plan, because he truly did work his hardest to get us situated as a family, but my soul was already beaten to the core and I was no longer a willing participant for his mind games.
He left me no choice: I followed my gut for the first time. My decision was made.
While sleeping in separate bedrooms, barely speaking, I could hear him talking loudly enough for me to hear; with someone who was supposed to be my best friend, about our marriage. Never once did he take accountability for his actions. He blamed me for our circumstances. The sad part was, she was supposed to be consoling me because she was my friend. Instead, she's trying to set him up with another woman and taking his side. Not once did she call to check on me and see how I was feeling. She had completely taken his side and forgotten about me. I was really hurt.
But by that time, I refused to dwell on his false allegations because I had to start making plans to move on without him and I didn't need any distractions.
I was officially numb and... I moved as such. I carried on; getting my new life prepared and while I cried, I kept moving because I had no choice.
I understand now that narcissists can be very charming and can infiltrate "certain" people because they have the ultimate gift of gab. I don't blame her, but I will NEVER trust her again because if she can fall for his manipulation tactics, then she's not someone that I need in my circle.
When he moved out, I was so alone and confused because he had isolated me from my friends and family so those relationships had become tainted. AND because any of our mutual friends had teamed up with him, so I had no one to turn to.
2. When the narcissist discards (breaks up) with you:
I can't speak on this topic from experience, but I have done research and heard several personal stories.
When the narcissist leaves you, that means they already have everything lined up to move on without you... with no remorse or concern for your feelings. I believe that they aren't receiving the narcissistic supply from you anymore, for whatever reason, and they need a new HOST to suck dry.
This circumstance can be traumatizing too. I don't have personal experience in this case, but I'll attach a link below for further details.